You’re never too old to learn new tricks – or to start enjoying the sex you want, whenever you want it. Seduce her into more intimacy with these foolproof bedroom tactics.
1. Persuade her to experiment more.
Strategy: Don’t let your sexual repertoire go stale – take her out of her comfort zone by making her feel, um, comfortable: “The more someone understands something to be a test run, the more likely she’s to comply,” says psychologist Philippa Davies. Whatever new territory you want to explore, sell it as a trial so there’s less pressure. “Suggest things that feed her areas of confidence. And have a ‘softer’ version ready that you can fall back on, so primary negotiations end on a win-win.”
Try this too: She’s most likely to be persuaded by a low voice, delivering 3½ words per second, says University of Michigan research in the US.
2. Get your sex drives back in sync – fast
Strategy: Your busy lives may have knocked your sexual rhythms out of whack. But here’s how the Japanese can help you – and we’re not referring to their propensity for kink: “Apply the Japanese principle of kaizen – tiny steps leading to big changes,” says sexologist Nicci Talbot. “Suggest sex at unusual times, so that it isn’t associated with the schedule you link to refusal and being tired.” The idea is to try new things together to re-boot your libido.
Try this too: Organise dinner with other couples that are close friends and tell them secrets together. It doesn’t have to be sex-related but research shows it generates higher positive feelings from your other half – and boosts overall levels of lust and sexual desire, says a US study.
3. Get relationship issues out of the bedroom
Strategy: Lay the ghost of past conflicts to rest by moving on together. Whether it’s past infidelity or an issue that needs more time to be ironed out, this is a battle to fight remotely. Outline how you feel in an e-mail at work – adding physical distance to a conflict encourages you to focus on the bigger picture, says research at the University of Texas. “Rebuilding a connection must be subtle at first,” says Davies. “Then give her face-to-face time when she’s more relaxed.”
Try this too: Talk about it when she’s calm. A study in Economic Enquiry found that impatient people expect to get more concessions.
4. Show that your fantasies benefit her too 
Strategy: Tell her why you enjoy the sex you do: Convey how it can work for her by seeking out common ground. Knowing what you both like is your “pacifying tool”. Davies also suggests a tactic called “making the cake bigger”. “Suggest change outside your sex life: ‘I want us to do X together once a week.” Presenting your request in light of making the relationship better puts you on much firmer footing.
Try this too: Concede some ground: “Allow her to decide the rules of engagement for trying it your way,” says Davies.
5. Encourage her to take the initiative
Strategy: Don’t be the one making all the sexual effort – provoke her into action now: “Have sex while she keeps her clothes on and you’re naked,” suggests Tammy Nelson, author of Getting the Sex You Want. “It gives her a taste of power and turns her usual role on its head.” And stay affectionate but don’t act on it, letting the tension build. Most women will come forward soon enough. What’s crucial is to let her know you still desire her; avoiding this could end up triggering a cold war.
Try this too: Use abstract vocabulary, says the Journal of Consumer Research. “I’d like to feel you in control.” Not “I want you to take the lead.”
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